My Spiritual Journey When I was 19 Years Old

Going At It Alone


I started a diary when I was 19 years old because I felt the need to be able to cope back then; I had problems adjusting to college life.

 

March 15, 1975, a Saturday
 
Dear Diary,

“Today is a great milestone in my life because I woke up fine and the thought of changing for the better completely overpowered me, urging me to once more, after almost 3 months of ‘downs’, find my true self.

 

 

Yes, you know how I long to feel again the happiness, peace and contentment one has if he’s on top of the world. I again reminisced some of the most beautiful portions of my past life. Without being absurd or discriminating, I tried to forget my failures and unhappy moments. I discovered that for me to live fully in the present, I must at least  forget the bad ones and recollect the good ones ‘tho I  must also learn from my mistakes, benefit from my successes and try to relive or regenerate the victories and highs of the past.”

 

 


That was how I tried to cope with the difficulties I was feeling then: write down my thoughts, confide not to my friends or my family but just to myself. It could be the wrong approach but at that young age, I didn’t know what to do.

My diary became my best friend. Somebody said that a diary also relieves stress. Partly true, I would opine. Or it heightens one’s creativity through writing.

 

 

What I Feel Today

March 15, 1975

Suddenly, a black veil was lifted before my very eyes and my vision gradually became keener and wider in scope. I feel a sense of belongingness – an increasing sense of being, again to be awakened by a sudden of gush of emotion; an overflow of a boiling but  sleeping, latent fire within my bosom, now ready to spread fire. I am now in a state formerly alien to me, yet I can feel this state of being is overpowering and totally distinct from what I felt just the other day. I am living in the now, i can hear the chirping of the birds and the murmuring of the wind. I can feel the rhythm generated by the universe. I can perceive the need to live and be a part of this world. Surely I must abandon my previous state, I must regenerate and grow. I must now shut behind me the venetian blind of yesterday, never to open it again. I am now willing to close the gate whose haunting cry makes me look back, only to fall in desperation and self pity, nostalgia and vain wishes to go back to the past which is possessed and imprisoned by yesteryears, never to appear before me even if I call for them ceaselessly and endlessly. I must forget them so that I can live in the present. I must bury them, entomb them. I must…I must, even at the cost of my happiness, even if I will leave mercilessly my romantic and emotional self. Yeah! I will and I can.

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